Pretence with a capital P

My line of work involves a lot of things. Proof reading, spell checking, amongst other things. All shall be revealed in good time.

So, the other day, I was given an interesting task to do. To write someone’s journey to success. Most times, I’m supposed to not be judgemental about these things and just write with an open mind. But this job didn’t require me to start from scratch, on a blank sheet of  paper. No, no, no. I had to re-write it. I accepted the job request with much excitement.

As I began to read through the current story. I was getting more and more turned off by the person. To think of how self-centered we have become. With social networking sites and other such things, we think that the whole world wants to read our so-called “epic life story”. For all those people who pose a tad too much for pictures and love to document every moment of their life online especially using vusual cues, I’m sorry to tell you that no one really gives rat’s ass. To think that every thing you do is so important to the world well you must know that doing that has an opposite effect of what you hope would be your 15 minutes of fame. Oh well, I’m digressing.

Before I began to re-write the article, I decided to write one on my own. Some people might think that it is mean. But I think it’s fall-off-your-chair funny. Here goes:

The Riches to Rags Story

If there was a term that would be perfect to describe me, it would be this – pompous douche bag.

Basically, all I did was go to the UK because, well, let’s face it, I was a spoilt brat. And I didn’t even go to college. I spent all my time and allowance on partying in the very first month. My parents found out and they got really mad this time. All of a sudden they weren’t cool anymore. So they stopped sending me any money. So I HAD to take up odd jobs. I was still in university and couldn’t work more than 20 hours a week on a student visa. I didn’t have too many skills and was unqualified for most jobs, so I got a job working at a construction site and later on I started cleaning public toilets.

Somehow, in a country like the UK which is very strict with its visas amongst other things, I managed to work full-time. I was able to skip all legal procedures – unqualified – on a student’s visa – able to work full-time now. Yes, my story is full of loop holes that the only reason why I’m writing this and displaying it in all my stores is because I’m getting so badly sued by people right now that I might have no money later on and I’d like a Bollywood producer to walk any store, read my story and offer to buy the rights to the story for a film.

Oh well, back to my story. One fine day while cleaning bathrooms, I finally found myself staring at shit. That’s when it hit me. Why not start a business somehow? And where else than at the Borough Market? It’ll work for me because I don’t need a licence or to follow any legal procedures or face questions from the Home Office. And of course it failed because. I tried selling bhel puri and corn to white people. I don’t even know how to make tea!

That didn’t work either. I had run out of ideas by then. One day while eating 2 pound noodles that were being sold at the Borough Market, a fantastic idea dawned on me. Why not sell Chinese goods to white people? They’re definitely better than desi products for sure. So that’s what I decided to do. Sell Chinese products. Yes, I still managed to get an import licence. Or maybe not, I’m, still not sure.  The good news was that I was able to make money and loads of it. And how did I celebrate? I went back to the restaurant where I used to clean toilets just to tip them 20 pounds. I’m so generous right?

So it had been 4 years in the UK and I guess by then the Home Office was aware of what I was up to. They asked me to leave and just as well, I was missing home anyway. I was back in India before I knew it and again I decided to take up some sure-failing business ventures. That’s just how I roll. Somehow, for some reason, I was offered to take over Crap-P. I can’t really tell you the real story – not juicy enough. Everyone I knew thought it was not a good idea but I still went ahead and did it anyway. I do what I want, whenever I want. Surprisingly, it turns out that I do have principles. Yeah I was shocked too! Well must’ve been because I left the 20 quid tip at that restaurant. The beginning of the takeover was not hunky dory but in the end it worked out. The world does love me, you see.

My country is eternally grateful to me because I will turn Crap-p into Starbucks (not sure if I’m allowed to use this name here, but what’s one more law suit?). And soon, the world, just like you, will read this story. In the next three years you will see me walking down the red carpet at the Kodak theatre as the inspiration behind movie of the year. Danny Boyle, are you listening?

Thanks for reading and waiting in line. You can now place your order.


Yes, this is indeed how important and how life changing people think their stories are.  Acquiring a business did not change anyone’s life in any way. This douche bag didn’t even create the product. So, really, who cares if you cleaned bathrooms and dropped out of college? Jeez 

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